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82: Getting through divorce without feeling like you’re losing your mind, sanity and self-respect

Getting through divorce without feeling like you’re losing your mind, sanity and self-respect

  • Stop caring what others think
  • Stop caring about whether others think you are right or justified

First - We need to get solid with our core values.

  • What are our values?
  • Are we making decisions that are aligned with them? 

Second - If you don’t feel good then you are out of alignment with your values, beliefs or boundaries

  • Values - example: integrity, kindness
  • Beliefs - What you have been taught to believe vs. what is real and what is fear
  • Boundaries - what are your boundaries? Why are you reacting to this in this way? What feels wrong? DO NOT PLAY THIS DOWN AND MINIMIZE

Then we need to stop caring what others think

  • Everyone walks through life with their own set of beliefs, values, issues, wounds, fears etc - we will call it our bag of goods.
  • And then they impose their opinion based on this foundation or framework. The advise is always what “they would do” in your shoes. But first, they don’t know unless they have walked the same path. And second, they are giving advise based on their own personal bag of goods.
  • When I became a parent which is often the first time we really start reaching out for advice - I made sure to ask someone who parented the way I would like to. Who had similar values and who cared about me from an unselfish place.
  • The other thing to be mindful of is how you ask questions or what questions you ask.
    • What would you do?
      • Instead: What are some things you would suggest I consider?
      • Knowing what you know about me and the situation, what stands out that I might not be seeing.
      • In this way you are asking more general opinion questions that can help you with your decision instead of asking them “what you should do”.
  • I found it the most helpful when I had friends who would let me unload my mind and vomit my thoughts and then maybe ask a few questions while I was still ruminating. Very often, more often than not, I would answer my own question by the time I was done talking or venting.

And finally - stop caring about being right

  •  Being right or wrong lives inside our ego identity. It’s us wanting the world to know the truth. We want to scream from the roof tops, yell on social media and tell everyone
  • Ask yourself why? Why does it matter that they “know the truth”? What is the real benefit in that? Who stands to gain from this knowledge?

 

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