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17: Overcoming an affair and dealing with pain, obsessive thoughts and blame

Did you know that at least 30% of marriages end due to infidelity?

Overcoming an affair is a big undertaking. You have been deeply hurt and feel betrayed. Those are big emotions. Allow me to guide you through some mindset tools and strategies to start healing and feeling better.

KEY TAKEAWAYS:

  • You are here because you either are trying to find a way to get over this so you can stay with him or you are already separating or separated and want to stop hurting so much all the time. 
  • I remember those first days, weeks and even months very well. So many tears, such a deep sense of loss and grief. Yes, grief. And it's hard. That's normal so don't be hard on yourself.
  • I desperately needed to understand why he made this choice. And I know from conversations with many of you that you are asking the same questions
  • Most, whether men or women, will say it was because of some kind of emotional breakdown in the marriage. This doesn’t mean it is your fault by the way. It simply is him, or her, saying he wasn’t getting what he needed emotionally. They will often say they felt lonely, sad, misunderstood, like no one cared about their hard work, long hours or whatever. 
  • And this brings me to one of the reasons many men have affairs, they often and likely still love their wives, but they are not communicators, they don’t know how to talk about their feelings and so they go and get what they need from someone else, so they don’t have to have difficult conversations with you. Most affairs are not with the intent of leaving, on the contrary. And you should know that the absolute majority of these relationships don’t last even if the marriage ends and the lovers can now be together.  
  • This is why emotional affairs are so common, it’s not always about the sex.
  • It's when we take responsibility for our choices, actions and feelings that we own our lives. Dwelling forever on that "he/she had an affair, this is all his fault" may absolve you of any wrongdoing or guilt, but it also places you firmly in a victim mentality of having been done upon and I want more for you.
  • Taking responsibility is empowering and helps release the past so we can move forward.
     

 

  • Identify what part of you is feeling the wound the deepest. Having heard everything I said so far - what was one thing that really “hit” you? Something you felt in your body when I said it. It might have felt like a pain or constriction. Where in your body did you feel this?
  • Seek professional help. This can be traditional talk therapy that can take you back to childhood and heal old pain and trauma. Also coaching to help you understand your pain and implement strategies for using these tough lessons to help us grow and heal. When I work with my clients one of the options I offer is doing energy work where we heal and balance the energy in our body so we can feel more in alignment with what we believe in.
  • Grow your self-worth - most important of all!!
  • Find a community and a place where you can learn, grow and take steps backwards in safety and have others lovingly help you forward again. Our Rising Free Community is one of those places: www.theseparationclub.com/membership 

In conclusion I want you to remember 6 things. These are the things that will turn your life around.

  1. Go forward staying close to your core values and behave with integrity. Mistakes will be made and you won’t always get it right - Show yourself some self-compassion.
  2. You have to get right with yourself. Forgive yourself fully. Love yourself hugely.
  3. Celebrate every single step along the way. Doesn’t matter how small. Every day something good, or not bad happened.
  4. You don’t have to feel great every day. Some days are just hard. Allow that, acknowledge that, try and understand it and the let it go. Don’t be judging yourself. Show love and compassion. If your child had a bad day….
  5. Don’t feel guilty or bad because you do feel good. It’s going to happen.
  6. What you focus on is what you get. So try really hard to stop focusing on the pain and what he did, instead turn your focus toward your new life and the little things you can be excited about like not having to deal with his.

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